The Pitch — A Lock Down Script
Log Line
A London ad agency, ‘the Crouching Tigers’, is in Covid-induced lock down. In dire straights, they have one last throw of the dice to save themselves. Led by a narcissistic CEO, the isolated and inept pitch team has to collaborate over Zoom to prepare and present its ideas to a ball busting client, the founder of Lady Lucks Casino.
Scene 1 — The night before — The Covid-19 isolated pitch team from ‘The Crouching Tigers’ Ad agency dial into a last-minute pre-pitch Zoom call
Scene 2 — The tissue meeting — The Crouching Tigers video conference with the leadership team of LadyLucks.com, an online casino designed for women
Scene 3 — The autopsy — The agency team reviews their performance and the client’s response and prepares to write their destiny, in ad form
Scene 4 — The pitch — The last chance saloon for the Crouching Tigers as they try to land Lady Lucks against all the odds
Characters
Tony Seegram — Co-Founder & CEO of ‘The Crouching Tigers’ ad agency. Recovering alcoholic, neurotic narcissist and stuck firmly in ‘the old days’ whilst negotiating the death-throws of marriage number three.
CeCe Almscott — Creative Director of ‘The Crouching Tigers’. Former wunderkind struggling to pay back the debt owed by her early promise. A new, high maintenance baby is her creative partner.
Chas [Art Director] & Dave [Copywriter]– High cost but low work ethic creative duo without a hit campaign to their name for quite some time.
Juliet Smyth — Anxious Group Account Director recently ‘clientless’ having lost the Bonio dog food account due to an unfortunate (and ultimately fatal) on-pack promotion.
Julian Olivette — Apathetic French finance director who wishes he’d stayed at PWC in Geneva.
Jo Flynn — Founder, CEO and part owner of LadyLucks.com online casino. Sociopathic former ‘Businesswoman of the Year’(1999). Suffers fools badly and deals with them quickly.
James Hambledon — Morally bankrupt and kowtowing Marketing Director of Lady Lucks, rebuilding his bankroll whilst planning a better career.
Scene 1 — The Night Before
A Zoom video conference involving senior staff pitch team of the Fitzrovia ad agency ‘The Crouching Tigers’. CEO and founder Tony Seegram is holding court whilst creative director CeCe Almscott fiddles nervously and CFO Julian taps distractedly on his laptop.
TONY
Sooooo… what exactly are you telling me, darling? That you have a world beating campaign in hand for this low rent casino pitch or you’ve got fuck all? Because [ahem] what I want to hear is the former but what I’m actually — ACTUALLY hearing, darling, is the stone-cold latter. You’ve got fuck all and we’re — what are we Julian — we’re…?
JULIAN
…We’re trading seven hundred and forty-two thousand Sterling behind budget.
TONY
Yes, three quarters of a mil behind budget which means… Which means, Julian?
JULIAN
If we don’t win Lady Lucks Casino, we will have to make twenty percent of the staff redundant. Plus, zer will be no bonus, no pay rises and no agency sojourn to Cannes. Which means zees Tiger ees no longer crouching. Zees tiger is on ees, how you say, ass.
TONY
On his fucking ass, CeCe. My Tiger is on his fucking fire breathing backside. So tell me sweetheart — stop doodling and look at me while I interrogate you — TELL ME — what work of astoundingly effective beauty are we showing that ice queen and her toffy nosed lapdog in the pitch tomorrow?
CECE [Rolling eyes]
Calm down Tony. I’ve got our… our most experienced people working on it. It’s gonna be huge. A lock in. Guaranteed.
TONY
Guaranteed? I like the sound of that, Oh creative archangel of mine. But then again, I liked the sound of it when Bodyform was a jam rag in the bag. And again, still when you assured me we’d be flossing our arses with Bounty bog roll for years to come. And let’s not forget, when you claimed Audi was a done deal I spunked a hundred and twenty grand on an R8 convertible that I’m still paying for. But they’re not paying us, are they CeCe? Audi’s not getting in hock at fifteen percent per annum paying my agency, oh no. They’re still getting their Vorsprung dicks licked by BBH!
JULIAN [Interrupting with a raised hand]
That’s BMW
TONY
What?
JULIAN
Vorsprung Durch Technik — it’s BMW’s strapline, no?
TONY & CECE
NO!
TONY
Stick to the FUCKING numbers, Julian. Anyway, as I was saying, I’m taking no risks with this one, so I ask again — who have you got working on it and when can I see the fucking creative concept?
CECE [Sighing, exasperated]
I’ve got Chas and Dave waiting online for this tissue session with a MacBook of gold dust and some back up scamps if you deign their lead stuff unworthy.
TONY
Little and Large? Jesus, we’re fucked. They haven’t produced an original thought between them since that wanking cow for Yoplait, and the ASA put that one to sleep faster than a Goth at a Katie Melua concert. OK, so who else?
CECE
That’s it. You furloughed half of the creative department and my ‘A’ team, Mel and Jacinta, are trying to salvage the Lidl account after you told their CMO to go fu…
TONY
Yeah, old news darling. OK let’s get ’em in sharpish. We need this turd polished by six PM. I’ve got virtual Pilates booked, whatever the fuck that entails.
[CeCe types furiously before Chas and Dave enter the call]
TONY
Fellas! My two favourite creative legends. How are we? Good, good stuff. So… Lady Lucks — let’s see what morsels of delight you’ve prepared for us to serve up to Her Ladyshit at the interim meeting tomorrow. You with the beard, umm, Chas — let’s get the ball rolling.
DAVE
I’m Dave…
TONY
Whatever. Who’s got the goods?
CHAS
OK, so there’s two things to remember here, Tony. One, online casinos are a bitch to sell. If we wanted to flog Marlboros to kids, we have more leeway, so we haven’t got the creative freedom we’d normally like.
TONY
Stop making excuses and get on with it
DAVE [shooting daggers at camera]
The second is the client. We all know her from her days at Diageo. She’s a Scottish ball breaker who likes to squeeze every pound, penny and drop of blood from her agencies. Plus, she’s got a gob on her that would make a battalion of Marines shit themselves. And remember, she tried to fire us back in the day on the pretence of overbilling, which was bullshit…
JULIAN
No, it wasn’t…
DAVE
…and would’ve got away with it if her Marketing Manager hadn’t embroiled her in that assault case.
CECE
But he sent her dick pics and groped her in the lift after the Christmas party, didn’t he?
TONY
Yes, and she broke his jaw and ruptured his testes. Anyway, it’s still assault darling, whichever side you’re on. Collateral damage. The CEO was a lazy bastard of the old school variety and didn’t need the hassle. Good guy, actually — was on the Saatchis grad scheme with yours truly in the golden age. Pussy hound extraordinaire, if memory serves. Would fuck a kettle if it had a pulse.
CECE
Err, ‘#MeToo’, Tony?
TONY
Good for you, darling.
DAVE
Back to the bird in hand, she’s a sharp cookie, doesn’t suffer fools — nor sycophants, Tony — and is a card-carrying, bra-burning feminist with a thermonuclear temper who makes Germaine Greer look like Frankie Boyle. Which leads us neatly into our lead concept.
CHAS (Turning laptop around to reveal a picture of a topless male model)
“Hello, girls”
CECE
Yeah, I like it! Powerful, no doubt!
TONY
What?
JULIAN
Ooh la…
DAVE
We’ve zagged while every other online casino zigs. It’s brave, it’s forthright, it’s on-trend — it’s the ‘now’ casino that women will embrace as their…
TONY
It’s fucking Wonderbra. You’ve just ripped off one of the most famous campaigns of all time and just changed ‘Hello Boys’ to ‘Hello Girls’. God, this is weak even for you two halfwits. Next.
DAVE
OK, we’ll agree to disagree. So we’ve played it safe with our second concept. It’s not going to win any silverware, but it’ll tick all the ice queen’s boxes. It’s called ‘Luck be your lady tonight’. Product shots of roulette tables, blackjack cards, spinning slots, loads of Oscar quality motion graphics. Call to action is ‘Lady Lucks — Will luck be in for you ladies tonight?’ emphasis on ‘you’. Juliet has spoken to Frank Sinatra’s estate and we should be able to haggle the song down to a hundred and fifty K for 6 months TV usage, UK only.
CECE
Hmmmm.
TONY
So, let me get this straight Chas…
DAVE
I’m Dave
TONY
Whatever — look, I know Juliet is the Group Account Director on this. As the suit she’s in charge of the behind the scenes shit, budgets, talent liaison etcetera. You guys just come up with ideas, draw the pictures and sprinkle fairy dust on them so it’s not entirely your fault. But I have a question — the creative budget we were given for this pitch was what, exactly?
CHAS
You’ll notice we’ve neatly integrated a ‘Clap For Our Carers’ Hashtag in the footer — and a percentage of earnings would go to NHS causes because, y’know — purpose.
TONY
Stop deflecting. What was the budget?
DAVE
Ummmm…
TONY
Quarter of a Mil. That’s only two hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Out of that, we need to create an ad, pay a production company, director, hire a set, cough up for the motion graphics, pay your exorbitant salaries and still somehow turn a measly profit. So how the fuck are you planning to do that when two thirds of the cash disappears into the already bulging pockets of a dead crooner’s descendants? CeCe, this isn’t your first rodeo — couldn’t you have honed these ideas before Tango and Cash wasted my time?
CECE
It’s been challenging Tony — very difficult. Half the remaining creatives refuse to work on gambling accounts [looking flustered] the other half found it impossible to come up with anything that’s not utterly shit without riding roughshod over the incredibly prohibitive marketing legislation. Plus, what with Coronavirus isolation it’s just… just been really stressful, OK?
TONY
Hmmm. Thanks for nothing you two — you’re dismissed.
CHAS AND DAVE
OK. Cheers — Peace out boss. See you in the trenches.
[Chas & Dave exit the conference]
TONY
Right, so CeCe — Darling — you’ve got ’til two PM tomorrow to pull a fucking astounding looking rabbit out of this moth-eaten hat.
DAVE
We’re still here, by the way…
TONY
I shouldn’t have to remind you what’s at stake if we let this bitch slip now, should I?
CHAS
Where’s the ‘leave’ button?
TONY
Jesus wept, what a shit show… right — I’ve got Pilates — get to work you lot, and I mean now…
[CALL ENDS]
Scene 2 — The Tissue Meeting
Agency team of Tony Seegram, CeCe Almscott, Chas & Dave and Juliet Smyth dressed in suits, Kaftan, Hawaiian shirts and a cardigan, respectively.
Lady Lucks Clients Jo Flynn (CEO) and James Hambledon (Marketing Director) dressed casually.
TONY
Hello? Is this thing on? HELLO? Testing, testing. For fuck’s sake — what’s wrong with this…
JULIET
…I can hear you Tony. You need to turn the video on.
DAVE
Click the camera button, Tony. Next to the microphone icon.
TONY
Juliet? I’ve been trying to switch it on. What do I press?
JULIET
Click the camera picture, bottom left.
TONY
Obviously, I’ve done tha… oh, OK — that’s the one
[Tony pops up on screen with a background showing multiple topless women on a yacht]
CECE
Tony — TONY — you need to work on your background…
TONY
My background. What d’you mean my background? This a class thing? Because I’ll have you know… WHAT THE FUCK? What’s that doing there? Miles? MILES! Get in here you absolute excuse for a child. Sorry guys — my son’s been schooled remotely on my laptop.
MILES!!
[A scruffy youth in a hoodie eventually enters Tony’s home office]
TONY
Fix this. Fix this now. Or there’ll be no more allowance for literally ever.
[Miles leans towards the laptop, removes the background while picking his nose and leaves]
TONY
Right, let’s hope that’s the only fuck up today. Where’s everyone else?
CHAS & DAVE
Morning Tony! We’re ready to rock chief.
TONY
You’d better be. Thanks for dressing up, by the way. And why are you two on a roof terrace, anyway? Don’t you have families to self-exclude with?
CECE
They’re isolating together, Tony. In an AirBnB in Shoreditch. It made more sense for business continuity. And the creative process.
TONY
Really? Well as far as I’m concerned, fuck creatives and fuck the creative process. I s’pose I’m paying for that bit of real estate, am I? And is that… is that a fucking hot tub? How much is that little love nest costing me, anyway?
DAVE [muffled]
Less than your Audi…
TONY
I heard that, you bearded oik. Never mind — I’ll deal with you later. Soooo… as Jo and James should be joining in a few minutes, why don’t you two astound me with your creative genius? And I shouldn’t have to warn you of what’s at stake here, should…
JO FLYNN
…Hello? Hey guys. Jo here — how you doing? James — you there?
JAMES HAMBLEDON
Hey guys — good to see you. Hope everyone’s avoided the bug. Interesting times, eh? Looking forward to getting back to the old normal, I bet? Ha!
JO
OK, I’ve got another Zoom at three, so enough with the pleasantries. Can everyone hear me? Good. Tony — I’m prepared to be wowed. Wow me.
TONY
Great — thanks Jo and good to see you again, James. I heard you guys secured your seed money from Verecker VC — terrific news! I play golf with Toby Verecker and can safely say you’re partnered with a winning team! As you know, Crouching Tigers has been a leading integrated agency for over a decade and it’s our honour, nay — our privilege — to be presenting the very best of our initial thoughts — a culmination of our not inconsiderable brain power — to you today.
[CT Team collectively winces]
Lady Lucks is a phoenix rising from the flames that burn from less heroic online casinos. A beacon of light from the dark. A rainbow on a cloudy da…
JO
I’ll stop you there, Tony. I warned you I was short of time. If I wanted my pussy tickled, I’d’ve worn my feather G-string. I don’t, so I didn’t — so can we please skip the foreplay and jump straight to the penetration?
TONY
Erm, yes sure Jo, no problem. Let me hand over to Juliet Smyth, the — err, the Group Account Director to talk about our strategy? It’s a humdinger of insight interwoven with threads of golden purpose and strands of bravery.
JO
Yeah, sure. But Juliet? You may have picked up the vibe better than Tony but if not, remember, the pitch proper isn’t ’til tomorrow, so keep it short and simple — not unlike your haircut.
JULIET
Erm, OK, so yes. No problem Jo. Nice to meet you both, virtually, at least. I’m glad you’re both well…
JO
Juliet…
JULIET
Yes of course. Sorry. So anyway, we see Lady Luck’s positioning as that of a challenger brand, but one which acts like a knowledge leader for women who want to bet online. Pro-feminist, anti-old school stereotypes. A fresh, honest, brave personality — the kind of fearless business that fights for womenkind. A brand your future customers would want to engage with fully — and perhaps fall in love with — platonically, of course.
[SILENCE]
JAMES
Wow — so, err, I’m intrigued — did you guys explore non-platonic love in your brainstorms?
JO
Shut it, James.
JAMES
Sorry
JO
OK, so I think we get the gist. Now you’ve fluffed us Juliet, who’s in charge of the climax? CeCe — is that you hiding under that Kaftan? Good to see you’re still clinging on.
CECE
Hello Jo, it’s… good to see you again.
JO
Yes, yes indeed. And how modern that you’ve deigned to bring your baby to our meeting. Very earth mother of you…
CECE [gritted teeth]
Yes, sorry, I’m afraid my husband’s come down with the virus, so I haven’t got much choice…
JO
Yes, of course — totally understandable. Still, good to see you’re still in the business — although perhaps a little surprising after that Guinness debacle back in the day. I’ll never forget the CEO’s face when you proposed an Orange Order march with everyone stripping to St George’s Cross pants for the Six Nations. Aaah, fun times.
CECE [Uneasily]
Yes, well, bygones and all that Jo. Back to the present, shall we? I’m just going to share my screen so you guys can see the work. The creative team, Chase and Dave, will walk you through the lead concept.
CHAS
Hi Jo, James. No messing about — here it is:-
[Shows scamp image on screen]
JO
I’ll assume that you’re both in a jacuzzi as some kind of pitch theatre for now. More to the point, what the hell is that?
DAVE
So, in line with your fearless, pro-womenkind brand positioning, we took the most vilified man in the UK and persecuted him.
JO
OK… I mean… but who actually is that?
CHAS
It’s Piers Morgan — on a crucifix. Naked.
JAMES (After a lengthy silence)
Right…
DAVE
His left testicle is, as you can see, painted red. The other, juxtaposed neatly in the scrota under his sagging gut, is black. The headline reads:- “Red of Black — it’s your call”. Then we come to the strapline:- “Lady Lucks — we don’t give a f*ck”
[Silence]
TONY
What the…
CECE
Erm, well, they… I mean we wanted to express a true, no bullshit take on the so called ‘honesty’ trope. And I think we’ve succeeded.
JAMES
Erm, it’s… it’s quite… out there, isn’t it? Certainly brave, but…
JO
What…
TONY
But…
CHAS
It’s no holds barred. It’s Paddy Power on Smack. It leaks purpose from its pores, and it’ll demand eyeballs. Women all over Britain will be worshiping Lady Lucks Casino from Cornwall to Clackmannanshire.
JO
OK, enough of this horseshit. Where’s the real work? You’ve had your fun and I warned you, we’re short on time. Get to it.
[Awkward Pause]
CECE
I’m afraid that’s it, Jo. Eggs in one basket — inspired by Lady Luck’s bravery, we’re backing our beliefs.
[Baby throws up on CeCe’s Kaftan]
CECE
Sorry — Julius has just puked on me — I’ll be back in a second.
[CeCe mops her kaftan and moves out of shot]
TONY
Mother of God…
JO
Indeed, Tony, You may well appeal to the Virgin Mary or the Messiah himself — if he hadn’t been rudely reimagined as a Breakfast TV host and neutered on a fucking cross in the name of a, for lack of a better description, ‘ad campaign’. I mean, I don’t ask for much — just something that puts us on the map, gets some PR and keeps my fucking investors at bay.
TONY
Yes, of course Jo. Well I’m as shocked as you are…
JO
You mean to say you didn’t approve this?
TONY
No, I mean yes. In a manner of speaking, of course.
JAMES (guffawing)
What a shit show
JO
I said shut it, James, you preening arsehole. This is on your watch, remember? I’d choose your response carefully and with one eye on your next twelve mortgage payments…
JAMES
OK. Understood. Sorry.
JO
In my opinion, for what it’s worth, your work so far can take its arse and go fuck itself. So Tony, Creatives, Account girl — do you have anything — and I mean literally anything — else? Or can I file this pitch alongside my first marriage, threesomes and Ketamine as regretful experiences I never want to live through again?
TONY
I’m sure we can workshop someth…
JO
Oh, for fucks sake, Tony…
JULIET
We did have this one thing…
DAVE
Yeah, a homage. Empowering stuff. Appeals to the masses. Tried and tested.
JO
Go on — enlighten me…
CHAS
You remember that Wonderbra campaign?
Scene 3 — The Autopsy
The next morning over a breakfast Zoom call, the agency team of Tony, CeCe, Juliet Smyth and Julian prepare to blamestorm their way around their woeful efforts in the tissue meeting and attempt to reset their stall for one final chance of redemption.
JULIAN
Good morning everyone. Can you hear me?
CECE & JULIET
Yes
Loud and clear, Julian
TONY
Fucking thing. Hello?
JULIAN
I can hear you, but I can’t see you, Tony.
TONY
Bloody machine. Miles? MILES! Come in here!
JULIET
Have you clicked zee camera icon, Tony?
TONY
What? Yes. No. I don’t bloody know. Yes, yes I have now. Still nothing. I’m on my Ipad — Miles has a media studies lesson on my laptop, whatever that entails. School costs more than my house and he’s learning how television works, for fuck’s sake…
JULIAN
I can see something — is the camera covered Tony?
TONY
What? Covered? No of course… MILES! Why is there a Crunchy Nut Corn Flake stuck to the camera on this thing? Christ on a bike…
[Peels off offending cereal]
JULIAN
Zer you are! Hi everybody. Umm, I gather through ze medium of WhatsApp that things did not go quite, how you say? As good as ze cookie crumbles wiz Lady Lucks?
TONY
Best leave the analogies to the pros, Julian — but yes, you’ve got the gist. It was, and it depresses me to say I’m directly quoting the fucking client here, “An unmitigated disaster”. Thankfully, for the careers of those supposed ‘creatives’ and yourself CeCe, Jo still owes me from that Baileys on pack promo debacle. So we’ve got one last shot at redemption this afternoon or our goose is royally cooked.
CECE
Understood Tony — Chas and Dave have been up all night, they assure me, and should be joining the call shortly with an upgraded suite of concepts.
TONY
You’d better hope so. They’ve got until I’ve finished these croissants to persuade me not to go straight to the Underground and start inhaling large lungful’s of Covid-infected air. Go on — let’s get this over with — bring ’em in
CECE [typing frantically]
[An obviously stoned Chas & Dave appear in a new window]
DAVE (In dressing gown)
Morning Chief, CeCe, Julian. ¿Cómo estás, compadres?
CECE
Morning chaps — productive night? We’re on tenterhooks over here, if a little sleep deprived… [glances at baby Julius]
CHAS
Yeah, definitely — no sleep this end, either. Totally went into the creative tundra last night to seek out the ever-elusive mammoth of an idea…. [spaces out into the middle distance]
JULIAN
How exciting to be in the presence of such imaginations at work!
TONY
Don’t get your hopes up, there, monsieur. We’ve yet to see if they caught this mythical mammoth or, I suspect, settled for roadkill. From the looks of them, we’ll be lucky to dine on a wet kipper. Go on then, Kim and Kanye — spill the goods…
DAVE
Yeah, it’s a mammoth alright [laughing] — or [turns serious] more a herd of mammoths. A list of concepts, really…
CHAS
Is it a herd?
DAVE
Not sure. Collective noun for elephants is a herd, so…
JULIET
It’s a ‘parade’ I think?
TONY
[Chokes on croissant]
CECE
I seem to recall it’s a ‘Memory’ of elephants, which is beautiful…
TONY
Will you please get on with it! If we needed to get caught up in the semantics of nomenclature, we’d start with you lot — a ‘Disaster’ of creatives seems apt. Come on — list them out, starting with the diamonds and working down towards your inevitable turds.
CHAS
OK, so here’s goes Kemosabe. Items number one — ‘Boudicca’.
[Silence]
CECE
Can you expand a little?
TONY [Sarcastically]
Yeah, Charles. Put some meat on the bones, why don’t you?
CHAS
OK, picture the scene — a forest, deepest East Anglia, just after the birth of Christ. A woman, Boudicca, on a horse, facing up to a hoard of vengeful Romans. Boudicca’s horse rears up and slams its hooves into the marshy ground.
DAVE
She pulls out two dice and hurls them towards the lead Centurion. She hits two sixes. Her army cheers, the Romans flee in defeat. End shot — Boudicca to camera “Lady Lucks — here come the girls”
JULIET
Wow — such powerful imagery — so empowering. What strength…
JULIAN
Who eez zees lady, zees “Boodicka”?
CECE
It’s a great start guys — very emotive. I have a couple of teensy-weensy issues…
TONY [wiping croissant crumbs from his shirt]
I’ll jump in, if I may, CECE. I have some rather larger problems I’d like to flag. One — as enunciated clearly only two days ago, budget. I.e. — we don’t have enough to re-enact fucking Braveheart. Second — we’re in a lockdown — so how on God’s green earth do you plan to shoot two armies facing off on horseback? Three — Twelve in craps is a losing bet. Fourth point — Lady Lucks doesn’t offer online craps. Five, you nicked the strapline off that old Boots Christmas ad and point number six, it’s utterly, horribly, pretentiously, worryingly shite. What’s next?
DAVE
Well, it’s pretty much the same idea, just with Joan of Arc…
TONY
NEXT!
CHAS
Taylor Swift dances…
TONY
Budget — next…
DAVE
A young boy is milking a cow
TONY
Underage, weird, next…
CHAS
The Chuckle Brothers in a windmill…
TONY
One’s dead. And, just… no. Next…
DAVE
Prue Leith’s baking a cake…
TONY
Go on…
DAVE [Winging it]
…aaaand we open to a shot of her bringing a cake out of the oven. On top is a roulette wheel design in icing. Prue turns to camera and
CHAS
…she turns to camera, smiles her reassuring smile and says “In cooking, success is part judgement and part luck. If you’re looking for a recipe for success, you’ll find all the best ingredients at Lady Lucks — the online casino for women”
DAVE
Yeah, yeah — so she cuts the cake open and it’s full of money. End Shot reads:- “Lady Lucks — Winning is a piece of cake”
TONY
Hmmmm. It’s marginally less awful. Could it be shot?
CECE
Yes, certainly — we could send a sterile two-man crew to her house, shoot it from two metres distance and re-imagine the cake and overlay graphics in post-production via the gang in Lithuania. As the boys said, it’s a piece of cake!
JULIET
Very good, I can see it now.
JULIAN
Who eez zees Poo Leet?
TONY
Quiet Julian — I’m thinking… [pauses] OK — it’s not great, but nor does it suck balls. Whack in a hashtag — ‘A Piece of Cake’ should do it — and put it in the pot for lack of anything better. Juliet? Get onto Prue’s people — she should be bankable for thirty-five K.
JULIET
I’m on it, Tony.
TONY
Right, anything else? I’ve got a Skype with my shrink at nine thirty.
DAVE
We did have a chat around four am this morning about this lesbian alien invasion concept…
TONY
No? No more? Good — then we’re done — get me some visuals by midday and I’ll see you online at five to four sharp. No mistakes this time — and that goes double for you, Bill and Ted — so sober up, show up, and maybe even dress up eh, chaps? Seegram out.
[Worried faces all round as call ends]
Scene 4 — The Pitch
Last chance saloon — Crouching Tigers CeCe, Juliet, Chas and Dave prepare to present their final campaign pitch to Jo and James of Lady Lucks over Zoom. Tony is missing.
JULIET
Hey guys!
CECE [In crumpled dress wearing a papoose]
Hi Juliet. Chas and Dave are online so we’re just waiting for Tony
CHAS & DAVE [In tailcoat/ wedding suit]
Hey…
…Afternoon amigos. Good to see you’re still here. Corona numbers have been brutal.
CECE
Yes, well I s’pose there’s that to be thankful for. Now, in Tony’s absence let’s have a final sense check. Chas, have you got the visuals ready to show?
CHAS
Yep — a smorgasbord of storyboarded nectar ready to roll.
CECE
Juliet, you spoken with Prue’s people?
JULIET
Erm, well I tried to call…
JO
Good afternoon, Tigers. CeCe — nice to see your fashion sense has, if anything, become even less professional. And the baby is back again — what fun. James, is that you skulking by the fridge? Put the Sauvignon back — we can all see you.
JAMES [sheepishly]
Oh hi Jo, ah ha — yes, no I was just putting it on ice for, err, later…
CECE [gritted teeth]
Hello again Jo. Yes, Julius is still here. I tried putting him on the floor but he just loves to get into the cat food — what can you do? So he’s here — again — and so am I. Tony should be here any sec now.
JO
We’re seeing the other agency at five prompt and I’ve got an Ocado delivery booked before then so let’s crack on, shall we? Tony rarely adds more than smoke, mirrors and bullshit, anyway.
CECE
OK, no problem. We took your feedback from yesterday’s tissue meeting…
JAMES
…that the work was a fucking disgrace?
JO
James, if the next words out of your mouth aren’t ‘sorry’ followed by forty minutes of silence I swear to god I’ll send a drone strike and napalm Chiswick until nothing’s left but your dental implants and fake Rolex, understood?
JAMES [sheepishly]
Ye… sorry
JO
Carry on, CeCe.
CECE
As I was saying, we’ve gone back to our collective mind palaces and here’s what we’ve come up with. Chas, Dave — over to you.
DAVE [fiddling with keyboard before displaying a rough image on screen]
Picture the scene — it’s the first century AD — a forest in east Anglia. A woman, Joan of Arc, sits proudly astride a stallion
CECE
Dave…
DAVE
Horns blare, drumbeats reverberate as the approaching Roman army approaches ferociously, malicious intent in their eyes.
CECE
DAVE!
DAVE
From behind her shield, she reveals a set of Lady Lucks branded dice
CECE
DAVID!!! [Ahem] Dave, shouldn’t we perhaps present the lead campaign first? The Cake concept?
CHAS
Oh, no, this was definitely our A-game lead. Wasn’t it?
JULIET
No, Chas. If you recall we decided the, err, culinary execution was more fitting in line with Jo’s feedback. This morning. I sent a contact report. But CeCe, I haven…
CHAS
Oh… Well, I didn’t see that Juliet — sorry. Up all night — shattered. Seeing stars, if I’m honest.
JO
I’d strongly suggest you align your ducks, CeCe.
CECE
Sure, Jo — no problem. Chas, Dave — run with the Cake.
JULIET [Makes slashing movement across her throat looking petrified]
DAVE
Yep, so we haven’t actually visualised the Cake concept, as such
CHAS [winging it]
Yeah, we wanted to let the idea do the talking. Let your imaginations run riot rather than be hindered by our meagre artwork. Picture this, Jo. Zoom in on a kitchen. Tom Jones soundtrack. National Treasure Prue Leith pulls a cake out of the oven, branded with a Lady Lucks roulette wheel. She turns to camera, intent in her eyes and bellows:-
“In cooking, success is down to luck. It’s the same with gambling. Bet at Lady Lucks — it’s just for you, girls”.
[Lengthy silence. CeCe rolls her eyes as her head falls forward onto the table]
JAMES
[Sniggers before covering his mouth sheepishly]
JO
Well, I’ll assume I can ignore that Joan of Arc bullshit and move straight onto the main course, as it were. The concept’s pretty lightweight and the copy’s shite, but as a huge Bake Off fan, I can just about glimpse an atom of potential.
[CeCe’s lifts her head off the table, aghast]
JO
I’m surprised we can afford her — even more surprised she’d allow her personal brand to be attached to a betting business, but needs must, I s’pose. How much is she asking?
CECE [Flustered]
Erm, Juliet, you’ve been negotiating with her agent. Where do we stand?
JULIET [seriously flustered]
We… we actually… we don’t. I mean, we didn’t. Get a price.
CECE
Oh, no matter, plenty of time for brass tacks after…
JULIET
No, CeCe, I mean her agent said she wouldn’t do it. Same for Mel & Sue. And Sandi Toksvig.
JO
Here we go. Is there a happy ending to this story, Juliet? No hang on — let me guess…
JULIET
Nigella said maybe.
JO
How much does that flouncing floozie want?
JULIET
Half a million up front. Plus twenty thousand in her casino account so she can ‘test’ the product.
JO
Cheeky bitch — got to give her credit for trying. Which is way more than I can say about…
TONY [Joining video call on a phone, outside, in his boxer shorts, drunk]
Hello? Hey everyone. Jo, James — sorry I’m late — unavoidable I’m afraid. Cow of a wife decided to have an affair and somehow — SOMEHOW — I get kicked out of my own bloody house! Equal opportunities my arse. Anyway, don’t mind me [swigs from a bottle of Krug] I’ll just keep quiet. Like a mouse [acts mousey] How’s it going anyway? Have I missed the main event?
[Silence]
JO
Why are you naked, Tony?
TONY
Ha ha — I’m not naked Jo. Not at all! I read some, some… how can I put this? Quite ‘salacious’ Whats App messages, there was some pushing and shoving and next thing, I’m in the garden throwing my clothes at the kitchen window. At least the bitch had the good grace to throw a few of these at me [waves champagne bottle]. So here we are.
CHAS & DAVE [Guffawing]
JULIET [Crying]
Oh dear God! [Exits call]
JO
Here we are indeed. Well, just so we don’t have to see any more of your porridgy physique, I’ll do the talking for the last two minutes of this call. This whole pitch has been a fucking fiasco. I see Juliet at least has had the common sense to pull the rip cord and bail out.
TONY
But Jo…
JO
Don’t ‘but Jo’ me, Tony. It’s clear to every sober member of your agency present that your goose is royally cooked. Your ‘team’ has presented one meaningless concept juxtaposed, neatly, with one utterly unfeasible one.
CHAS
But Nigella’s up for it?
JO
Her domestic uselessness wants half a Mil plus vig, you fucking hippie.
DAVE
She makes a bloody good chocolate cake…
JO [Apoplectic]
I’d threaten to report this fiasco to your boss, but I seriously doubt he’d remember. This pitch is over, and from what I’ve heard, I’ll be the last client who has to suffer this level of crass ineptitude ever again.
CECE
Jo, can I just say one thing?
JO
No!
TONY
[Hiccups and scratches crotch] But Jo, before you go, perhaps I might?
JAMES
This should be good
JO
I’ve warned you, James…
TONY [wandering around garden]
Well, Jo, as far as I can make out, your seed funding round, a smidgen over a Million quid, came from ex-colleagues, Venture Capital and your own good self.
JO
So what?
TONY
Over seventy percent of your capital came from one fund in particular, Verecker VC.
JO
Don’t tell me you’re going to try and pull rank with your golfing chums, Tony? That’s a piss poor effort, even for you.
TONY
No, nothing as roundabout as that. You see, when I discovered my errant wife had been playing away this morning, the only thing more upsetting than the pending legal bill was the identity of the individual she’d been bumping her not inconsiderable uglies with. One Tobias Eustace Verecker, OBE.
JAMES
Christ…
TONY
Yes, Christ indeed, James, you toadying creep. I assume you’ve heard of Toby’s wife, the dreadful but quite brilliant Barrister, Eleanor Verecker QC? That would be a divorce battle that would make the Somme look like Gardener’s World.
JO
What have you done?
TONY
Done Jo? [Swigs champagne] I’ve done nothing — not really. Just sent a little message to my chum James saying how much The Crouching Tigers are looking forward to adding value to his latest investment. I also asked whether he and his good lady wife would be free for a fourball after the lockdown.
I did send it from my wife’s phone, however, which may have encouraged his immediate agreement to the affirmative.
CHAS & DAVE
[Toasting beers]
TONY
Let’s set up a kick start call next week. Adios, bitches! Seegram Out! [Throws phone over a hedge]
JO
But…
CECE [Looking extremely happy]
But what, Jo? I’ll ask Juliet to send the contract tomorrow. Our fees will be extremely reasonable, I’m sure. And can I just say, what an absolute pleasure it’ll be to work with you again?
And don’t worry — I’m sure we’ll be able to secure Ainsley Harriot within the constraints of your budget — that sound good to you?
-Ends-
Series Development Plan
Now adversely betrothed to Jo and Lady Lucks Casino, the Crouching Tigers need to deliver their lacklustre campaign remotely whilst keeping the agency afloat. Defections, treachery and backstabbing become business as usual as incumbent clients attempt to inject ‘purpose’ into their otherwise mercenary business plans and the agency’s wheels, wobbling already, start to fall off with alarming regularity.
Biography — Harry Lang
I live in south west London with my wife Caroline and 18-month old daughter, Tilly. Professionally, I run Brand Architects — a strategic marketing and brand consultancy. Currently clientless, I’ve enjoyed the opportunity to write ‘The Pitch’ as my submission for the Galton and Simpson Bursary has been one of the few positive outputs of the lock down. I’ve written regular features Campaign, Marketing Week, iGaming Business, eGaming Review and SBC News and have also written two novels, ‘Parabolic’ and ‘Try Morality’, both available on Amazon.
